Where I'm At.: 29, Not-Quite-Broke, and Climbing...

I've gotten so caught up in the quest to stack cash through the motherfuckin' service industry (augmented by a smidgen of writing for pay) that I've neglected to say anything worth two shits for quite a while.

Correction: I've gotten so caught up in the quest to retain my sanity through kinda-sorta scary interactions with Mother Nature that I've neglected to say anything worth two shits.  The snow is melting, the shed is locked, I'm doing work I'd rather not, and my nostalgic little honeymoon with Americana has flipped hellish: food too rich, drink too strong, fun too fun,(?), and that Old Catholic Guilt is back in my sack.  I've regressed to biting my tongue and pulling snarled hair because just about everything just about everyone does seems so misguided and wasteful that I'm perpetually piss-yer-pants antsy.

Me?  At the moment, just one more American Cow-Boy caught up in the act of overgrazing.  This once pristine land is long since overrun... by us.

When Whitey showed up  in North America there were approximately 30,000,000 Natives living here.  Despite 20,000+ years of occupancy, they left the place about like they found it, with scarcely a scar on the landscape. In fact, all they really left behind were beautiful reminders of the many cultures ours destroyed.

Petroglyphs, Utah Desert

Big Horn Medicine Wheel, Wyoming

Cliff Dwellings of the Southwest

Ancient Totem Poles of the Northwest

Great Serpent Mound, Ohio

But hey, our ancestors needed more space so they shot all the buffalo, spread disease, killed, raped, lied, stole, and blah blah blah.  Now less than 150 years after "conquering" the West we've indubitably trashed the place and -- regardless of whether we get are act together or not -- will leave some dandy artifacts all our own.

The occassional work of art, but mostly this kind of shit:

You reap what you sow.

I should probably discontinue quoting barnyard wisdom as most people these daze won't catch it.  Boo fuckin' hoo the hell cares. Enough digression...

 

I've moved from Doorman to Bartender at the SDB&G and have picked up another job as Bellman at a newer motel that proclaims itself "Rustic" and thus charges $300 a night for shitty little cabins stacked wall to wall atop a sea of blacktop. Since they charge so much, it's no big deal for clients to drop $5s and $10s on a self-depreciating, wise-crackerin' Bellman.  If I carry enough luggage and pour enough drinks, sooner than later I'll have funds enough to get my hands on a more seaworthy boat.

LOGICAL BRAINTEASER:

Cadillac Escalade Complimentary Shuttle Vehicle is to Yours Truly as Squatty, Three-Legged Wooden Stool is to...

 a)Volunpov Philosopher.

b) Farmer Milking Some Fat Fucking Cows.

c) Lion Getting Whipped By a Ringmaster
d) All of the Above.

The correct answer is "d".
 

Between both jobs, I'm in the midst of a 2+ week-long stint and can feel that old Greed creeping up alongside the Guilt.  The more I've got the more I want, and if you think you're immune to similar flaws you need to analyze the feathering you've done to your own nest.

In the harshest of conditions in the harshest of climates, all a human really needs to survive is food, water, and shelter.  If all you could afford is a coffin-like box to lay down in at night, you'd get by.

Now I'm living out of a van I picked up for $1000 a few months ago.  I try not too drive it too much, but like the Greed and Guilt the old impulse to Go-Go-Go is also resurfacing.

My financial goal for the summer is to spend under $200 a week and squirrel away (ideally) a couple grand every month.  If all goes according to plan, in less than a year, I'll get this show off the road once again.

Maestra (my dog) is loving life and, following her example, so am I.  You may as well do the same, regardless of whatever confusion, contradictions, and compromising circumstances you encounter.

Fuck it?  Nah.  Fuck Yeah?  Ohhh Yaaaah, you betcha.

Boomin' Granny

I just caught shit from a wealthy-looking older lady at the grocery store because I asked the Checkout for a plastic bag.  Actual conversation follows here...

HER: You REALLY shouldn't use plastic bags... for the planet's sake.
ME:  Do you buy garbage bags?
HER: Uhhh.. YEAH?!  Yes, I do.
ME:  Well, I get em' for free. (showcasing plastic bag full of groceries)
HER: (Puzzled stare)
ME: Garbage bags are plastic too, ya'know... and they come in a frivolous paper box.
HER: Well, I use the eco-friendly, bio-degradable trashbags.
ME: What?! (pointing at all her typical, overpackaged rich old lady items) You throw out eco-friendly, biodegradable trash?!
HER: You just don't get it, see....
ME: Bitch, I live in a van.  Roll back to the mansion and shit on your hubby.
HER: (To Clerk) I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER.

Be the Change.  A healthy disrespect of most of your elders is a good first step.

Do not, however, diss the Boomin' Grannies...

Regarding Gear Sluts and Acquiring Outdoorsy Crap...

For thedeal.cleansnipe.com...

Don't be this guy.

Generally speaking, the more passionate you become about outdoor activities, the more specialized gear you need.  The further you push yourself out into the backcountry the more important lightweight, reliable, and, unfortunately, EXPENSIVE equipment becomes.

If you're not careful you can end up working like a dog to support a nasty GEAR HABIT as your short life trickles by.  Eventually, you find yourself needing an entire garage to accommodate loads of outdoorsy crap a lack of free time never allows you to use.

GEAR ADDICTION is as real as any other made-up modern medical condition, and it can be just as lethal to your "Overall Level of Radness" as Internet Addiction, Chronic Masturbation, Smoking-Way-Too-Much-Dope, Following Fashions, and Enjoying Motorsports.  I've seen it too many times:  once-free lovers of the outdoors reduced to turning tricks in the alley behind REI or sucking corporate cock in a backasswards attempt to woo Mother Nature.  These unfortunate souls have earned their degrading moniker: GEAR SLUTS.

Round these parts, our goal is to do more with less: striving to life the good life outside with less cost, less environmental impact, and, ultimately, less hassle.  Save money and spend more time out playing by following these 10 simple scraps of advice:

1.  Make a Gear Wish List.

Decide what activities you're truly passionate about and figure out what gear you actually need to pursue them.  Stick to the list and avoid impulse buys on big ticket items.  Share the list with friends and family: stuff will find it's way to you at  little or no cost.  Also, you'll be more apt to pull the trigger when you spot a deal since you know it's something you've decided you actually need.

2.  Make Due and Score Free Gear.

Get out there with what you've got though woefully under-equipped and/or way out of fashion.  Folks will take pity on you and give you their old gear.  For example, I began this winter  in some ridiculously shitty old ski pants.  Within a few weeks, three different friends had gifted me gently used pairs: now I'm set up for years!  ***For obvious reasons, this approach is not recommended for basic safety gear like climbing harnesses, avalanche beacons, bike helmets, etc.  It's great for scoring outerwear and accessories, though.***

3.  Check the Thrift Store Regularly.

Especially in ski/college/wealthier towns, it's amazing what people give away to charity.  Make a habit of checking the your local thrift shop and you'll find much of what you need at 90+% off retail.  Since it's all been discarded, you've geared up on stuff that would have otherwise ended up at the landfill.  Make friends with those interesting thrift store employees and they'll start hooking you up with even deeper deals.

4.  Settle For Affordable Substitutions.

Don't buy overpriced name brand stuff if there's a cheaper option out there.  Snowseal $7.00 Kinco gloves instead of buying $100+ ski gloves.  Get $10 polarized sunglasses at any gas station  instead of spending $100+ on name brand shades.  An old wool sweater can insulate better than a $200 fleece jacket.  Be creative.

5.  Bargain On Used Gear.

Make low ball offers on used gear.  When responding to an ad or haggling at a garage sale, if the price seems high, offer them 60% of what they're asking.  If they're not open to haggling, walk away.  A better deal always comes along eventually.

6.  Shop the Off-Season Sales.

Never pay full price.  Especially in this economy, most local shops and online retailers have seasonal blowout sales.  Buy ski gear in the spring.  Buy bike gear in the fall.  Remember that generally the store paid about half what they set their retail prices to: they've got inventory to burn through and are often willing to let it go at substantially less than sale price.  Be polite but do a little prodding.

7.  Settle For Last Year's (Or Earlier) Products.

Getting hung up on outdoor fashions is a slippery slope towards GEAR SLUTTNESS.  In most cases, the equipment from 2+ years ago was just as good as what they're coming out with now: all that's really changed is the style.  Remember that part of the fun of the backcountry is getting away from all the flash of modern civilization.  Only tourists and trust-funders strut around in this year's duds.  Don't dress like a tourist or trust-funder: you're too good for that.

8.  Warranty That Shit.

If something you spent serious money on breaks, send it back to the manufacturer with a nice little letter explaining how shitty and unreliable their product proved.  Get in the habit of keeping receipts: most companies will think you're a trustable anal retentive and will throw you apologies and free replacements.

9.  Sell Your Used Gear.

If you stop using something because your passions shift or you upgrade to new gear, get rid of it!  Generally, the longer you hold onto an unused piece of gear, the lower it's resale value drops.  List it on CleanSnipe Classifieds, Craigslist, and anywhere else potential buyers would check.  If all else fails, EBay it. If it's not worth your while to sell it, pass it along at the local thrift shop.

10.  Check CleanSnipe Regularly.

Monitor 30+ ever-changing DOD (Deal Of the Day) products through the CleanSnipe Homepage.  Search hundreds of online retailers quickly and easily with a more specific CleanSnipe Search.  You'll save 40-90% off retail on most items you find through CleanSnipe.  In a roundabout way, you'll also be supporting yours truly.

Peace!