I’m in a LOVE/HATE relationship with cigarettes, alcohol, adrenaline, and the internal combustion engine. My name is Max Mogren, and I'm a struggling Oilaholic.
Thirteen years ago when I started driving, gas was only 89 cents a gallon. Talk about cheap thrills!
I remember the day I got my driver's license. It lingers in memory like the first time I got laid, exceptional trips, mind-blowing concerts, getting shacked, and magic moments shared with good friends in perfect snow. At the impressionable age of 16, gaining all that POWER and FREEDOM was an intoxicating experience.
It's no wonder most Americans suffer from a nasty driving habit: we were all just kids when we first got hooked.
I love jumping behind the wheel and cruising off on adventures, but hate flushing my money down the tank. I appreciate the modern conveniences that fossil fuels provide, but hate how lazy and entitled we've become. Most importantly, the environmental destruction of our collective Oil Addiction is too blatant to ignore, and that same Oil Addiction undeniably prompts our endless, blossoming wars.
Kurt Vonnegut explained our predicament in his last book, A Man Without A Country:
We are all addicts of fossil fuels in a state of denial, about to face cold turkey. And like so many addicts about to face cold turkey, our leaders are now committing violent crimes to get what little is left.
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| Yours Truly During Dumber Days In Baja: It's not my truck, but I did saw the roof off. |
Contrary to popular disbelief, there isn't that much Oil left, especially when you consider skyrocketing global demand. Chinese consumers bought 8.7 million new automobiles in 2007, 9.4 million in 2008, 13.8 million in 2009, and are expected to buy 16 million more by the end of 2010. Here in the US, we buy about 11 million new vehicles annually, excluding snowmachines, RVs, motorcycles, quads, viagratized golf carts, and other frivolous crap.
China already uses more total energy than we do, and it’s thirst for oil is rapidly approaching our own. Factor in everything else dependent on oil, and it’s no wonder that humanity uses 85 million barrels PER DAY.
Despite all the hype, only 3% of energy consumed by the USA comes from “green” power sources like wind and solar. Ethanol is a cruel joke. It takes more fossil fuel energy to produce ethanol than one gets from burning it. Turning all that corn into moonshine drives up global food demand and literally prices the planet's poorest people right out of existence.
This is no doubt troubling, but what really concerns me is that oil demand keeps rising though global oil production peaked in 2005. Militaries, governments, and corporations have announced that production will soon start declining.
No matter how deep we drill, how much groundwater we ruin by fracking, or how big the slag heaps of processed tar sands become, we already struggle to maintain adequate supply. Conservative estimates predict a 3-5% decrease in Global Oil Production annually.
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| Not One Of My Prouder Moments... |
Best case scenario, by the year 2030 7+ billion people are peacefully sharing HALF the oil we now consume. Worst case scenario, in the near future fossil fuel dependent economies collapse further, and energy issues kick off a global resource war. Unless a massive shift in consciousness occurs around the world, our lust for Oil will be our destruction.
Across Our Nation, a hundred million people drive like fucking idiots. They treat their vehicles like extensions of their sex organs and assume throttling around at 75 is a god-given right. They rarely leave home without an automotive exoskeleton and go barreling through life with no plan and minimal awareness. These people are JERKOFFS, stroking their egos at the expense of international security.
Mountain towns are by no means immune to this sub-human species. Each summer we’re visited by hordes of arrogant Wino-Dinos piloting absurdly wasteful RVs. Year round we’ve got jacked up pickup trucks, suburban assault vehicles, solo drivers in empty cars, and frivolous waste of all kinds. Even on the sweetest spring days, 95 of a hundred Rocky Mountain people putz around behind the wheel when a bike, skateboard, moped, or their own two feet would easily do the trick.
If driving all over the place every fucking day wasn’t so accepted, our friends and neighbors would stop jerking off with the most precious resource on the planet. Given the seriousness of the global energy crunch, it is our sacred duty to let them know that frivolous fuel consumption is a Highway to Hell. I am therefore proposing the Great American Wank Up Call: JERK THE JERKOFFS OFF THE ROAD.
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| Exhibit A: Foolish Person Jerking Off. |
The middle finger is offensive, but the universal sign for JERKING OFF is hilarious. Wherever you find yourself reading this, go ahead and try it. If you want to get really sassy, cap it off with a flourishing spurt like Leslie Chow in the desert scene of The Hangover.
When you’re walking, skating, biking, or carpooling and you spot absurd vehicles or wasteful behavior, proudly raise your arm and vigorously alert the community to the presence of JERKOFFS. Perhaps point at the offender with one hand while stroking the sky with the other. Once you’ve got their attention throw a spurt into a wave as they roll on by.
If they slam on their brakes to confront you, whip out a digicam and catch their antics for digital distribution. Try to explain your reasoning as best you can. If they’re bent on a fight, let them swing first and then beat the piss out of them. Sometimes tough love is the only way to get your point across.
Peace.
