Dynafit Beast 16 Binding: Changing the AT/BC Game with DIN 16

It's not all positively spun doom and political activism here at Oil Free Fun (OFF).  Everyone once in a while -- well actually just about every day -- we have a lot of fun out of doors.  Usually skiing or climbing mountains.  As such, we're pretty stoked to see the new...

Everyone who doesn’t have a Dynafit AT setup in Jackson Hole, WY is either a snowboarder, a sledneck, too broke to afford a touring setup, or a hucker worried that Dynafit bindings can’t handle their radness (specifically the landings).  The huckers could be taking another look at Dynafit’s ultralight boots and bindings with the unleashing of the new Beast 16 binding weighing in at a mere 935g per pair.  

This winter you could get your hands on a pair of the new Dynafit Beast 16 AT bindings, but the limited edition run of 2,500 total bindings is supposedly selling for $1,000 a set.  These will undoubtedly sell out fast as Dynafit is a premier manufacturer of Alpine Touring Bindings and the new Beast 16 (with a DIN up to 16!) could very well change the game.

Dynafit's new freeride-touring binding comes with brakes in the following millimeter widths: 90, 105, 120, 135. Each pair, according to the manufacturer, weighs 935 grams.  This is a free hundred grams heavier than Dynafit’s current beefiest binding the TLT Radical FT (DIN 12, 599g) but still less than half the weight of the competition.  For example the Fritschi Freeride (DIN 12) weighs in at 2200g and the Marker Duke (DIN 16) weighs in at a whopping 2780g.  In short, the new Beast 16 weighs in at less than half of the Fritschi Freeride and at about a third of what the Marker Duke weighs.

I’ve been a big fan of Dynafit bindings for the last decade ever since I wore out my second pair of Fritschi Freerides, hated my Naxo’s, and finally made the switch.  Even Dynafit’s lightest bindings outperform most alpine bindings in flex tests and are second only to Marker’s (heavy) touring bindings in that regard.  The Beast 16 looks to be totally reengineered relative to their current offerings so it will be interesting to see how well this performs.  I would wager that it will perform solidly, as Dynafit’s German engineering has produced the best touring bindings in the world for decades.

Definitely stoked to put these through the ringer and put out a proper gear review.  Hey Dynafit!  Hook a brother up!

Feast your eyes on these pics!

DYNAFIT PRESS RELEASE

It’s all in the name – ski touring supplier DYNAFIT is presenting a brand new binding design for winter 2013/14. Dynafit’s binding designers have hit the fall-line and are targeting ambitious freeriders with a binding for all conditions and terrain types. The frameless system is combined with great stability and robustness up to DIN 16 integrating top performance on the ascent with an aggressive downhill ride.

Former pro freerider and design technicians Fredrik Andersson and US pro skier Eric Hjorleifson have brought new disciplines into play for ascent-focused ski touring specialist DYNAFIT. Together, they have been developing the new binding model, the Beast 16. Their demands for the freeride binding were clear from the outset: top downhill performance, DIN value of 16, optimum ascent comfort all courtesy of the frameless system – and naturally not forgetting lightness. The weight of 935 grams makes the binding a maverick in the freeride binding ascent category

. 

The frameless system, which celebrates its 30th anniversary at DYNAFIT in 2013, saves lifted weight and provides the ideal pivot point on the ascent. So the designers’ decision to arm the proven system with the requisite downhill characteristics was a logical step. The Beast binding has been fitted with a sophisticated release mechanism. This provides release at both the toe and heel units, while the rotating toe piece has been designed in such a way that it combats premature release potentially caused by sudden impacts. The binding’s ultra-low height gives freeriders perfect ski-to-snow contact. A stable and smooth ride thanks to the subtle lean-forward angle and high-level torsional rigidity as a result of the wide baseplate are all features unique to the new DYNAFIT binding.

Freeride pros Eric Hjorleifson and Fredrik Andersson used their long years of experience, as well as their ethos of creating the ultimately versatile skiing experience, as inspiration for the new design. DYNAFIT athlete Hjorleifson said “New-generation skiers need equipment that ensures equally top performance whether you’re jumping, skiing off-piste and cross-country.

The Beast 16 is available this coming winter in a limited run of 2,500 bindings, all individually numbered and delivered worldwide.

In other words: “Limitless Skiing”.

Nine to Fives Ruin Lives.

A public service announcement from the folks at Skiing the Backcountry.

If you're part of the backcountry skiing community, join this  Backcountry Skiing Community.

I like Skiing the Backcountry because it's not filled with "cooler than you" bullshitters.

I contribute as WarPigSinFin.

My goal is to log 3 zillion vertical feet this winter.  Once the snow flies nothing else matters.

Stash Your Cache: Building a Budget Backcountry Retreat

NEWS FLASH!

Gold is booming even more than before cuz' the FED's QE2s in the works.  The dollar is tanking.

International conflicts are escalating, and the greedy rich are planning to profit from the most costly industry of all: WAR.

American kids are being enlisted to to patrol their neighborhoods spying with camera phones to "Keep America Safe" from suspicious activity.  I think we should all join!  Get old lady Sue on tape hangin' her laundry.  "She's kinda suspicious and she speaks with a Russian accent... better get someone down here."

***

I've been wrestling with this article off and on for a few months.  I kept putting it off as I contemplated the wisdom of publishing it.

It's finally finished and has been published by the friendly folks over at CleanSnipe.  Anyone sssssshmlurking to do a little tramping about may want to give it a look.

If you're in the market for any outdoor gear, consider searching for it through CleanSnipe.  They offer a great service and give me carte blanch to spew crucial knowledge like this...

Stash Your Cache: Building a Budget Backcountry Retreat

Max Edward Mogren

October 13, 2010

Winter's Coming. Get Stoked with 1983's French Masterpiece "Apocalypse Snow"

In a world where little makes sense, nothing makes less sense than the cult classic ski movie Apocalypse Snow.

Hordes of diabolical monoskiers? Check.
Parachuting from a hang glider?  Why not.
Sending cliffs in whitewater rafts?  Natrually.
Dropping in aboard a Hobie Cat?  The lake was, after all, frozen.
High speed tandem monoskiing?  But of course.

You can't call yourself a ski bum if you haven't smoked yourself stupid with Apocalypse Snow.

The trailer does no justice but you get the general idea: Awesome Nonsense... like so much else out there.

Gear Review: Black Diamond Megawatt Ski

Black Diamond Megawatt 178/188 (153-125-130)

You can’t trust most ski reviews for a couple of reasons. # 1: The reviewer is sponsored by the manufacturer or is otherwise biased towards promoting the ski. # 2: The reviewer only rode the ski for a short period of time in a small slice from the spectrum of possible snow conditions.

This review, however, is legit.

Regarding #1: I don’t have any sponsors.  I got my hands on a pair of 188cm BD Megawatts in December 2009 when a buddy moved from the Teton Range to Missouri: his lady got into Medical School there.  If he holds on to her, the decision should start to pay off in about seven years.  His decision to leave the Megawatts here, however, started paying off (for me) immediately…

Regarding #2: Over the last few months, I’ve logged 180,000 feet of backcountry vert on the Megawatt.  My buddy mounted them with a pair of Dynafit FT12 bindings and bent the 110mm brakes to accommodate the sultry 125mm waist of the Megawatt.  He also included a pair of BD Ascension Skins.  Factor in my old pair of Dynafit Zzero boots, and as if by karmic magic I had a new rig that has proven the funnest, most versatile backcountry ski setup I’ve ever ridden.

The skis are amazingly light for their size and coupled with the Dynafit binding, they’re perfect for long tours in any conditions.  They climb steep, slick skin tracks noticeably better than skinnier skis thanks to mucho surface area underfoot and in the tail.  The rocker tip and zero camber assure contact directly underfoot when you need all the traction you can get.  Additionally, the rocker tip and plentiful surface area keep you atop the pow when setting a skin track.  On more traditional touring skis, you’re often slogging, stomping, stumbling, and swearing your way through the sugar.  The Megawatts make blazing your own trail much more enjoyable… and more energy efficient.

The real fun comes during the descent.  The tips are almost impossible to sink so you can ski them well in even the deepest, lightest blower.  You don’t have to carry much speed to stay afloat, but if you feel so inclined, they can handle straightlines and super G turns far beyond my comfort zone.  Since they never submarine, they feel very stable and more predictable in pow.  For example, otherwise awkward pillow lines and landings become a breeze on these: you pretty much just have to stand there.

I also found that skiing powder on the 188cm Megawatt stresses my joints less than my 181cm K2 Coomba (103mm underfoot).  I have a crummy knee and ankle combo that has hindered my skiing for a few years.  With these, I don’t feel it at all.  There’s a lot to be said for staying on top and making effortless turns.

I’ve ridden groomers, bumps, breakable death crust, and steep ice on them.  They do as well as or better than conventional (100-110mm underfoot) powder skis.  I’ve ridden them in soupy, knee deep, ACL-popping corn snow, and they stayed on top offering safety and fun skiing when buddies were practically swimming down.  I’ve skied icy, fall-die couloirs on them, and they were solid.  Jump turns?  No problem.

A few years back I swore I’d never want a touring ski fatter than my 88mm underfoot skis.  I was wrong.  Though slightly heavier, skis like the Megawatt climb better and ski better.  They’re way more fun to ski and are also safer.  They decrease stress on your joints because they stay up top.  They decrease fatigue because they ski effortlessly.  They decrease your odds of falling because they are easier to ski.  They decrease your odds of striking objects under the snow.  And they are much easier to POINT if you need to, say, outrun an avalanche.

If you aren’t touring on fatties like the Megawatt, you’re missing out on a lot of fun and safety.

Megawatts atop Wyoming's Grand Teton

Painful and Terrifying Conflicts Of Interest In $2,000 Carbon Fiber Boots

The next time you need new ski boots, you won't feel so bad about spending $500 on them.  Consider yourself fortunate they don't cost $2060... plus sales tax.

$2060 is what it takes to snag a pair of 444 gram (just under 1 pound!) carbon fiber ski boots made by Pierre Gignoux.  Personally, I'd prefer dropping TWO GRAND over the course of a three month, third world surf trip... but that's just me.

A small group of skiers are willing to spend that kind of dough on boots in the quest for the lightest, techiest set up... all in the name of uphill speed.  I speak of the hardcore Randonee Racers, members of the quirkiest spandex-clad sub-sect within the ever-growing culture of backcountry skiing.

If risking life and limb in the big mountains on floppy little skis is appealing to you, consider Randonee Racing.

If you treat skin tracks like race tracks and are perpetually passing in the bootpack, consider Randonee Racing.

If you enjoy feeling like your heart is exploding and chattering with screaming quads down icy steeps, consider Randonee Racing.

If things like connecting with the mountains,
enjoying the outdoorswith friends,
taking in the scenic vistas,
hunting for freshies,
and actually enjoying your backcountry experience all take the back burner to embracing one of the most ridiculous avenues imaginable by which one may claim having bested their competition (or wallow in the self-pityingly-pointless agony of defeat), consider Randonee Racing.

Intrigued? Come get a taste Saturday, March 20th at Jackson Hole Mountain Resort.  At 8 a.m. the US Ski Mountaineering National Championships kicks off.

Racers must climb over 7,500 vertical feet and find their way back down through some of the gnarliest terrain at the resort.  Alta 1?  Yep.  Tower 3 Chute? Of course.  The Crags, Rendezvous Bowl, the endless mogul field covering the North Hoback, and much, much more...

Thanks to the 8 a.m. start, conditions are guaranteed to be utterly icy, with gigantic moguls, countless exposed rocks, random dirt patches, and a slew of other hazards to contend with.  First one up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, and finally all the way down... in one piece... wins.

Though I can't say I'm looking forward to it, I'll be racing.  Frankly, I'm hovering somewhere between nervous, annoyed, reluctant, and terrified.

Of course, there's the option to keep it casual on the ups and descend conservatively.  Excuses for taking it easy abound.  I got my race boots for $10 at the Browse and Buy Thrift Store.  My skis are 130mm... underfoot!  Additionally, I hate being rushed... and feeling like my heart is exploding.

BUT.

In the interests of taking the piss out of über-competitive, over-achieving, mega-consumer gear sluts, I'll be giving it all I've got.  If I make it down intact and beat just one guy wearing $2060 boots, we ski bums can claim a small victory... ironically, in the name of the truer essence of backcountry skiing.

Grand Teton: First Female Snowboard Descent

On March 11th, 2010 I got to help make a little sliver of history here in Jackson Hole when my partner Dani and I summited the Grand Teton and dropped in off the summit.  Dani was the first woman to snowboard the peak, a very impressive accomplishment since only a handful of distinguished female ski mountaineers have ridden it previously.

Only a few hundred people have skied or snowboarded the Grand Teton since 1971 when pioneer Bill Briggs made the first ski descent.  His life story is a truly impressive one, and you can read all about it at WildSnow.com.  

There you'll find the following quote from Briggs:

"I found I couldn't kill myself -- I didn't have the courage.  Since I had to live, I decided to make the most of life; to simply go with what I found most pleasurable: climbing, skiing, and music."

Wow.

I first got the bug to ski the Grand when I saw a news clipping of Briggs' tracks on the wall in the Stage Coach Bar while boozing after a day skiing Teton Pass.  The picture offered a certain terrifying allure:

Since we did it mid-winter, Dani and I got to ride from the tippy top.

Dani got her stoke after working as assistant to Stephen Koch, renowned snowboarder of the Seven Summits and Teton Legend.  Among many other first descents in the area, he made the first snowboard descent of the Grand in 1989.

Both sufficiently stoked, we spent the winter training with backcountry tours of lesser peaks, analyzing the snowpack, and watching the weather in hopes of finding the right opportunity to give the Grand a go.

 Avalanche and weather forecasting in the Teton Range only holds to an altitude of 10,500' but the Grand Teton tops out at 13,770'.  As such, and since the summit is rarely visited in winter, a lot of guesswork goes into predicting conditions up there.  Sometimes it's a sheet of ice.  Sometimes it's nipple deep sugary pow.  Occassionally, huge avalanches pour off the summit snowfields.  Hopefully this article can shed a little light on what's going on up there these days.

I'd been up there mid-winter a few years ago and knew that even with perfect conditions, we were in for quite the adventure.  Guesswork considered, we were expecting variable to shitty conditions but a reasonably safe snowpack.  You never really know until you go, so we went to have a look...

At 2 a.m. on Tueday the 9th we made an attempt but got turned around at 12,000 feet by a rapidly warming snowpack and exhaustion.  After four hours of skinning, we'd spent three hours postholing steep boot to knee deep sugar under suncrust.  We were faced with six technical pitches and two hours of steep and deep sugar before reaching the summit.  No way. We couldn't make it up and back down again before the danger of rockfall and avalanches became unreasonable.  We couldn't make it up, period.

We stashed 25 pounds of climbing gear near 12,000' and vowed to return the next favorable day.  Perfect spring skiing brought us back the the Valley floor where we destroyed a Hawaiian Pizza from Cafe Ponza.

FYI, Ponza is the perfect place to stop en route during midnight forays to the Tetons.  They're open until three a.m., and, unless there's a line of drunks out the door, Bear will get you fed in under five minutes.   Order by phone and you'll be in and out in literal seconds.  You can even pick up a few pre-game or celebratory beers.  Cash only... but I digress.

We spent the 10th watching webcams and weather gauges and though still a little beat from the day before, decided to wake well before the dawn on the 11th.  We left the trailhead at 2 a.m. under a starry, windless sky. It felt colder than expected, which relieved our fears of falling objects but worried us the crust wouldn't soften that day.

Crazy Frazee joined us and his positive vibes made the predawn slog a treat.  It also didn't hurt that we'd already set the bootpack and deposited a bunch of heavy gear 5500' above the valley floor.  With packs only slightly heavier than needed for a typical ski tour we cruised casually back to our previous high point.  A dusting of fresh made the crusty skin track doable. We booted the steeper sections down low to save time and effort. Our two-day-old booter made the slopes from the Meadows to Stettner Couloir much easier.

Starry skies turned bluebird and a low layer of cloud blanketed the valley floor already a vertical mile below us.

As we ascended we bore witness to one of the most impressive Teton sunrises I've had the priviledge to experience.

The otherworldly lighting made an otherwise grueling slog surreal.

Unfortunately, Frazee ate something that gave him the shits and had to turn around at 12,000'.

Dani and I continued onward together.

The technical climbing in the Stettner and Chevy Couloirs offered mostly firm snow.  Only two vertical ice bulges presented real hazards.  The first went easily.  The second was a little tricky but offered bomber protection. We dug out and improved many of the existing rappel anchors during our ascent.  Some of them were in terrible shape.  Some of them still are.

Technical climbing completed, the Ford Couloir and Summit Snowfield offered boot to knee deep sugar under a thin crust with a few inches of fresh on top.  Fortunately we were feeling strong and suffered through the painful last 1000'.  We saw no evidence of slides in the area although we did notice sketchily windloaded pockets on some WSW aspects.

At the summit we found gusty West winds, patchy clouds far below, and nothing but wispy blue above.

Skiing a peak like the Grand reminds me of jumping off bridges into the Mississippi River as a kid.  The longer you stand up top looking down, the more nervous you get.  As such, we switched over quickly and got down to business.

Dani dropped in from the summit and even made some turns on the sketchy rock knob above the SSE Face.

Ski conditions? Summit to Chevy: 2" fresh on occasionally-breakable crust. Chevy to TeePee: five rappels and good windbuff. TeePee to 8000': Powder in perma-shade, dust on crust elsewhere. 8000' to Floor: death cookies and shit crust.


Here are the requisite rapping shots...

The bottom 1500' offered the worst skiing I've done in years.  Rock-solid, knee-jarring garbage.  It had melted slightly that day but by the time we got down it was back in the shade and ridiculously hard.  Combine that with exhaustion and it was, arguably, the most dangerous part of the day.  After that, the two rolling miles back to civilization were a painful stupor.

Too exhausted to stop for the customary celebratory beer at Dornan's in Moose, we drove home in silence.  I've sat on every stool at the bar there, and each faces a huge window offering a panoramic view of the Teton Range.  Front and center is the gorgeous Queen of the range, the Grand Teton.

After making turns from the top, neither of us will ever look at it the same again.

Ski Report, Cascade to Valhalla

Enough surf and sail. It's winter. I'm submitting trip reports to skiingthebackcountry.com so I may as well post them here too. A friend lent me a camera so now I've got pics.

I got my first "alpine start" of the winter, rising before the sun to tour up Cascade Canyon to Valhalla, a hanging canyon rimmed by the Grand Teton and Mount Owen. Getting up before the sun is never fun, but we were headed to VALHALLA. I pity the folks that wake on the wrong side of the ass crack 5 times a week for work.

Bitter cold inversion that morning... and we never saw a ray of light throughout Cascade, so it was a cold one. Shit crust on S and E facing slopes but anything NE to NW is still skiing great. Boot deep sugar with a little surface hoar.

I got to spot out a bunch of lines for later including (L) a sexy little shot, (C) the Tallboy Couloir off the Pass between Teewinot and Owen... 4000 vert of fun. (R) Guide's Wall looking like fun mixed climbing.

After 3 miles on the groomed XC trail, 1.5 miles crossing Jenny Lake, and another 2.5 gentle miles up Cascade Canyon (fuckin' flats!) we finally started the true ascent into Valhalla Canyon. Though only about 2500 vert, it provided exciting ascent route finding and a great ski descent.

Here's an interesting section of our skin track. The background gully looked primed to slide so we followed the windlip at the base of a cliff to this funky little wraparound scramble.

As we ascended the sights to our North got more appealing. There's some great skiing to do on the South Facing wall of Cascade as well.

North Wall of Cascade Canyon from the hanging (and jaw-dropping) mouth of Valhalla Canyon.

Three little peaks comprising the W Wall of Valhalla Canyon and the rollover down into Cascade.

Trippy light wrapping around the Grand Teton from the NW flank of Mount Owen.

No, there are no skiiing shots from the descent... no time for such nonsense.

It turned into a 12 hour mini-epic as a partner had skin troubles and the entire trip car to car includes about 15 miles of skinning... way too much of it on the flats. But the skiing was good and the views in and en route to Valhalla Canyon well worth 6 hours of flatlanding.

Checking out the ski potential in Cascade proved worthwhile as I got photos of several lines I'm looking forward to hitting this spring. Easy S facing ascents to pow on the N facing slopes of Cascade... no brainer.

Fallin' In the J-Hole

It's pretty easy to find satisfaction in the Tetons.  Explore casually daily, bullshit with free folks, steal the occasional cookie outta GOD'S JAR, and sleep hard every night.

I'd be writing more if the enjoyment it gave came close to comparing.
Pull pointless teeth or play in the powder?
The decision makes itself.

I mean, seriously, look at these pillows.

I'm healthy (knock on wood) and skiing perfect backcountry conditions daily.  I've got in about 40 days already and have slogged close to 100,000 feet o' vert.

My M.O. this winter is apparently sharing all my lines with anyone interested, this with intent to push myself to find new zones.  I'm jonesing to nab every ridge in the range and am currently eyeing obscure flanks off Teewinot.

A few days back I kicked off a three foot hard slab that stretched about 200 feet and ran about 1000 vert through steep trees and talus fields.  The debris pile at the bottom was at least 20 feet deep.  Here's a pic of the crown.

Had I been caught, odds favored a mangling and burial.  Fortunately, it broke just ahead of me as I traversed above a rollover that gave me the willies.

I haven't witnessed a slide like that since kicking off one my first winter in Jackson.  The experience didn't elicit the existential crisis one would hope for.  I got ten pumps of jello-leg and that's about it.

Phew.

I've got a few bigger projects on my mind and am just waiting for the right snowpack and weather window to make them real.  I've got competent partners lined up willing to take it as far as we can.

I'm still living (rent free!) in a shed but nary a Jacksonite, myself included, finds this inappropriate.  If anything, folks are endeared by the fact that I live in a shed, that I work 10 hours a week, that I don't have a car, that all my ski gear is second-hand and falling-apart.  I couldn't be bothered.

If this is a rut, I can see how I got stuck in it for five years.  Maybe it's not a rut.

Then again, maybe I'm just artificially enthused.  I never buy the stuff, but damned if I don't stumble across it thrice daily.

This is one of my favorite lines.  I call it the TOMAHAWK.

High Five!

Going winter camping with cool people.

Anyway, with all the amazingly awesome yet fundamentally stupid shit I'm doing and the complete lack of mental effort I'm putting forth, I don't have anything worth saying.

Additionally, I find it impossible to draw a bead on stateside-existence and drop that fucker in its tracks.
Do you really have it all figured out?
I mean, sure, there's always the obvious but the fleeting is so much funner.

Live it up.

Max

Budget Backcountry Nutrition 101

Monkeying around in the mountains burns an incredible amount of calories.

As backcountry bums, we get to eat as much as we want of whatever we want with minimal consequences.

While the rest of Western Civilization gets miserably fatter, our own gluttony makes us blissfully stronger... at least in theory.

Nothing beats starting off a day in the hills with a tall glass of oj, a pitcher of water, six cups of coffee, biscuits and gravy, eggs Benedict, and a syrupy stack of huckleberry pancakes... especially if it's all served up by a friendly 30-something-mountain-town-career-waitress.

And Dog knows we all love capping off a day in the hills with buffalo wings, nachos, a fat burger, and six to ten pints of  brew.  Worst case scenario?  Food Coma and a DWI.  Best case scenario?  Food Coma and Erotic Massage.

Sadly, even with local hookups, stoking your internal furnace at the tavern gets pricey.  DWI's aren't cheap either  Generally also expensive is mentally lubricating a local beauty into an erotic masseuse willing to overlook the skid marks in and funk emanating from your long johns.  Hence, poaching a hot tub becomes mandatory, and potential legal fees multiply.

Proven.

Also, those tubs are fucking filthy.  Many a monkey butt has been there before yours.

Thus, the clever backcountry bum dines at home and out in the hills.  Hygiene can slide, commitments can wait, whole years may blend together into a blissed-out state-of-stoke... but ya gotta stay fed.

Most active folks don't eat enough throughout the day.  You burn serious energy hiking, biking, climbing, shredding gnar, and acting rad in the parking lot.  Think 300-400 calories per hour.  Spend a mere five hours getting after it and you need to eat at least double what the typical schmo eats.

Dehydration and hunger pangs are often mistaken for exhaustion.
Eat more.  Drink more.  Play more.

Less cramps.  Less burn.  Less fatigue.

Also, if you get hurt, lost, or otherwise benighted you'll more happily pray for the dawn on a full stomach.
Over the course of along cold night, a couple crusty old candy bars could save your life.

Most nutritionists over-complicate matters with a lot of scientific mumbo jumbo.  They also recommend foods the typical mountain bum can't afford.  You know the stuff: organic free-range everything.  Well, that's all fine and dandy.  If you can afford it, do it.

This article is for bums.  You know who you are.  Onward!

***

 BREAKFAST!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the mountain bum's day.  Consider the following  guidelines...

*Drink plenty of coffee or tea so you'll poop heartily before leaving the land of flush toilets.

*If at all possible, have a banana and an orange and an apple.  Fruit is healthy.

*Drink a grip of water.  Pee clear all day.

*Eat heartily... if things go wrong it could be your last real meal for a while... if things go really wrong it could be your last meal ever.  Enjoy it.

*If you wake up lacking appetite or stoke, consider herbal stimulation.

*Eggs, peanut butter and breakfast meats are your best friends.  Pile on the carbs, but a good source of protein is key.
*A little grease never hurt anyone.  Just wash it down with Emergen-C Heart Health.

Lastly, no one expects poachers at a continental breakfast.  Score an official looking bathrobe.  Feign cluelessness.  Reap benefits.  Worst case scenario, you get kicked out.  Best case scenario, you stroll through the lobby with a full tummy, coffee-to-go, a pack brimming with gratis goodies, and drooling Tougar digits.

A Tougar is a Cougar on vacation.

***

DINNER!

Dinner after a day in the hills is crucial too.  You need the calories, but a careless approach can break the bank...

*If stuck dining at home, consider eating breakfast twice.  Eggs are cheap and delicious.
*Throw a weekly pot luck.  People mess up their kitchens and bring food to your place.  You'll have to wash a few plates but the booze and leftovers will pile up.
*Best-case scenario is a dinner party elsewhere.  Always be friendly, and you'll be booked solid..
*Odds are you work nights at a restaurant anyway.  Demand dank shifties.  Remember, with the right attitude, even the worst service industry gig can be a bucket of fun.
*Fuck it, go out to eat.  Just be thrifty about it.
*Yep, life is short.  Go out to eat.  Bullshit with friends.  Chase tail.  Enjoy it, but choose parties wisely...

The most important thing to remember regarding dinner is that grubbing hard and then passing out doesn't do you much good.  Generally, this sort of behavior makes you a fattie.  Be sure to go out dancing or get in a little exercise of some sort before passing out.  Use your imagination... just keep your pants on in public.

***

BACKCOUNTRY DELIGHTS! (aka LUNCH!)

Enough nonsense.

The real pseudoscience of backcountry nutrition comes into play when deciding what foods to pack.

Obviously sporty outdoorsy food is great... but expensive.  So-called junk food does the trick equally well.  Candy.  Cookies.  Bulk berries and nuts.  Cheapo granola-bar-type-stuff.  You're not going to live forever, so there's no reason to eat like it.

Stopping at the gas station or bagel shop en route to the mountains is equally pricey.  A better bet is buying in bulk and stockpiling goodies.  Buy discounted Halloween candy through December.  Christmas treats until February 14th.  Valentine's closeouts should keep you satisfied through Easter... and my bet is Cinco de Mayo will blow up this year and keep you fed through summer skiing.

These three simple guidelines should keep you satisfied out there.

1) Calories: more is better.

2) Fluids: more is better.

3) Performance Enhancers: more is usually better.  Avoid all "energy drinks", getting too drunk, stoney stupors, and regularly tripping your face off.

But seriously, after devoting five years of my life to backcountry skiing/climbing/monkeying, I have a few actual, non-nonsensical suggestions:



If you've never eaten an Almond Joy in the mountains, you have not truly lived.  Good fresh, better smashed...  cottonmouth-friendly... perfect ratios of carbs/proteins/fats... chewable at temps where any other candy bar shatters teeth... the entire taste-experience reminiscent of a tropical beach... they come in pairs so you can share with your buddy... the little white cardboard support is perfect for firestarting, exchanging digits with backcountry beauties, and emergency wiping.  Buy em' by the case.  You'll never find anything better.



Swedish Fish were specially formulated for Nordic Ski Commandos during WWII.  Entire battalions of Swedes subsisted on nothing but Swedish Fish for months on end.  Since Sweden didn't choose a side in WWII, those Nordic Ski Commandos just fucked around out in the mountains... just like you and I.  Pay homage to their legacy and eat the Fish.  Additionally, unlike mere gummies, the hearty Swedish Fish can live unprotected in your pocket or at the bottom of a pack for months on end.  Wipe off the lint and enjoy.

 

Mmmmmmmm... Heaven.  10,000,000 Ice Fishermen can't be wrong.


Calories?  Check.
Fluids?  Check.
Performance Enhancers?  Check.
Delicious?  Indisputable.
A Meal in a Can.  In Ireland young mothers call this "Formula".



If you can afford nothing else, make an entire loaf of bread into PBandJs.  You can do a multi-day tour on this alone.  The more smashed up they get, the easier they slide down.



Go to the bulk bins at the store.  Fill a bag with everything that looks good.  Remember the ID# for the cheapest bulk food and self-checkout.  Enjoy.


Nothing beats a hot drink on a cold mountaintop.  Get the nicest thermal bottle you can find and remember to fill it daily.  Tea with Scobs of Honey.  Emergen-C Hot.  Irish Coffee.  Mexican coffee.  THC-Infused Hot Buttered Rums.  Mushroom tea.  The sky's the limit.

Better cold than hot.  Cheap, filling, and depressingly-shocking to those uber-health nuts you just passed on the boot pack.  Properly-torqued, the lid doubles as a spoon.



If you've got the hookup, sushi is the ultimate backcountry snack.  A recycled single shot bottle makes the perfect soy/wasabi receptacle.  Speaking of which...



Don't go an overnight with liquid courage.  The woods are scary at night.  Then again, the flask is a cheaper option for spirits and libations.



Gatorade is weak Kool-Aid with a little salt and potassium in it.  Buy Kool-aid powder, sprinkle a little salt into it, crush up a Centrum or two, and presto!  If you want an "Energy Drink" smash some NO-DOZ into the mix.  You've just saved yourself a grip of money.  You've also saved your metabolic pathways from the ravages of artificial stimulants like TAURINE.



Cold pizza is always a welcome addition to any backcountry calorie stash.



The best thing you can possibly eat in the backcountry is a root beer float.  Make one in your Nalgene just before leaving home.  Even the hateriest hater on the hill will crack a satisfied smile if you can convince them to take a swig.

***

Variety is the spice of life.  Mix it up.  Enhance your backcountry experiences with dank eats.

Any suggestions?