1/24/2012: WHITEHOUSE (OFF)
My fellow Americans, it is with great pride that I stand before you tonight as we bask in the glory of our recent achievements in furthering global Peace, Democracy, Freedom (and assorted other bullshit my BANKSTER buddies and I don't actually believe in).
We have brought peace to Iraq (because we lost that war) and are working on an extraction strategy for the American men and women proudly serving in Afghanistan (because we're losing that war too). We have (created and) met the unique threats to your Freedom and Security posed by Iran, Libya, Syria, and dozens of other countries (that just want to be left alone).
The Economic Recovery has taken hold, and I can now declare that our (well, actually just my) financial future is looking brighter than any time in recent memory (thanks to trillions in bank bailouts, trillions stolen from Americans through the hidden tax of inflation, and other devious shit you wouldn't even believe!). Through workforce restructuring (laying off Americans and hiring Chinese) we have turned the tide and can see a brighter tomorrow on the horizon (but not for you).
We have seen the Occupy Movement stand up for Equality and Free Speech and we have accepted the challenges before us (by evicting encampments and stifling dissent in all forms) together. Rest assured that my Administration will continue to make Americans (appear) content and complicit (by terrorizing dissenters into submission through psychological warfare).
It is with great pride (unimaginable spite, zero remorse, and intense disrespect for basic human rights) that I proudly announce America's newest unelected, compartmentalized, terror-fighting (inducing) department: the Federal Unlimited Persecution Administration: FUPA.
FUPA will guarantee an intense fear of intimidating acronyms and vague laws permeates the hearts of all Americans as they surf the internet, work their (meaningless little) jobs (if the can find one), and toy with suicide while wondering what happened to this once great nation.
I must admit that I do not agree with my predecessor, "GW" on many aspects of governance, but I do agree with him on one thing: the Terrorists hate America for Our Freedoms.
As we march together (blindly, towards the abyss, at the end of the American Empire) my administration has a new strategy (taken from the page before the bloodiest pages of history) to assure we eliminate the terror threat to all Americans: by preemptively striking at the heart of American freedom, we will assure that the only terrorists out there work for the Red, White, and Blue (and fuck you too).
As we have won the War on Drugs (by eliminating competition for our own Cartel) we will also win the War on Terror (by monopolizing global Fear too).
Am I done yet? Ohh yeah, OK, one more thing...
The American People's passionate desire for HOPE and CHANGE (without any actual direction backing those desires) has given us an unprecedented opportunity (to screw you and fuck the entire planet) in 2012. Stick with me through the upcoming elections, and our future will be very bright (because the bombs will have all been dropped).
HOPE for PEACE (through war). CHANGE for STRENGTH (through ignorance). FIGHT for FREEDOM (through slavery).
I'm out. (Peace.)