Coming Clean

Oh Me! Oh Life!

Walt Whitman

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself,
(for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light,
of the objects mean,
of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                       Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

 

***

Thanks, Walt.

Ahhhhhhh.

To be young and foolish.  I'm no longer young... just foolish.

I'm not complaining.

Anxiety...

Uncertainty...

Preoccupation with the fall of this quick little empire...

Obsession with cultural, emotional, and physical death... 

See it takes one to know one, and I've lost layers of insulation just a pinch ahead of the rest of y'all.

Until recently, I did the stripping myself.  It felt good until I got too exposed.

Too hot.  Too cold.  Too wet.  Too windy.

There's a point where life's not very much fun anymore.  Most of humanity has a much better understanding of this than I do.  Most people reading this haven't a fucking clue.

A few months back I wrapped myself in a tattered blanket (again) and the wind blew it away (again).

Over the last decade I've tried to discard organized religion, consumerism, gluttony, lust, and ego-trippiness.  I haven't been very successful.  Because of my own failure I don't hold much hope for the brunt of my fellow GRINGOS.

Mother Nature's gotta trim the fat.  But that's beside the point...

I project my own shortcomings on the world's screen, passing off my own flaws by putting them on humanity.

SO... WHAT?

Self-Consciousness?  Nah.

Self-Awareness.  Fleeting.

I've got my own demons to duel.

Deal with yourself.  Deal with it.

Moving on...

***

I'll tell you one good thing about hearbreak.

It lets you know what a weak, confounded little critter you are.

So blind.

So lost.

So vulnerable. 

So impressionable.

EMBRACE!  RETREAT!  RELOAD!  RELEASE! RESPECT!

My most recent dream weaving sexploit turned into a bender.

LUCHA LIBRE!

Straight Shooter vs The Walking Contradiction

Internet Addict vs Luddite

Pop Culture vs Popped Culture

and our MAIN EVENT

LA JEFA vs REY VAGO

Clearly it was not meant to be.  I tell myself this 100 times daily, but my dogginess disagrees.

I hardly recognize myself in the mirror...

this crazy man could clearly kick my ass...

and he's staring like he knows...

ME?!

I'm too fucking confused to be a stable lover or good father.

I couldn't raise a family.  NOT HERE.  NOT NOW.  NOT YET.

There are much more important things to do...

NAME ONE.

Let me think about it.

***

As our collective ADHD worsens, I've been largely along for the ride.

Often Observant. 

Occasionally Oppositional.  But not really...

It's time to RESIST.

To go truly RAW and RESILIENT.

Put up or shut up, you know?

Thought without action is the death of the soul.

***

I have to laugh, however, cuz one of my stated goals at the outset of this little trip was searching for a safe place to raise a family up.

Well, I ruled out North America. Us Gringos are too clever... too schiesty.  If anyone's sneaking around, I'd prefer it to be me.

And GIGANTE's my favorite place between the Columbia River Bar and... well... COLUMBIA.

But it's not right.  "Paradise" is a bit too hot-blooded for a lost little Viking.

I know I need to go further.

So after a short stint Stateside to get my affairs in order it's back to PATAGONIA for a kayak-bound exploration of the fjords.

Peace of mind through constant uncertainty?

Nah, peace of mind despite constant uncertainty.

Searching somewhere beyond the hopelessness... looking for a place that feels like HOME.

I recently caught glimpses of it and it's definitely worth the search.

Max